I have come up with a modest proposal to eliminate taxes and trim the oppressive government waste that has become such a burden on all of us. I trust it will satisfy the most ardent Tea Partiers–maybe even Ted Cruz.
My plan will afford you a chance to avoid paying in advance (taxes, in other words) for any services provided by the government. I’m certain Congress will find it irresistible.
This opportunity is available for any citizen of the United States. To confirm eligibility, you first must prove that you are a citizen—and that you are who you say you are. Identity theft cannot be taken lightly, after all.
To begin the process, take an original copy of your birth certificate to the new U.S. Office of Identity Confirmation. The document must be stamped and certified by your local Congressman.
Once your bona fides have been confirmed, you must complete the Exempt From Taxes And Government Interference form (EFTAGI). The government clerk will digitize the information and embed it (along with your fingerprints and a facial recognition widget) in an ID card that you must carry with you at all times—kind of like a voter ID card.
At that point, you are free from the onerous financial obligations placed upon you by local, state and federal entities. You can begin enjoying your personal sovereignty.
You will use the card to exempt yourself from taxes on any and all financial transactions, from buying a cup of coffee to buying a house or a car.
Isn’t it a wonderful plan? Bye-bye, Uncle Sam.
Your life also will be unencumbered by invasive government programs like the Affordable Care Act. And Social Security. Oh, and Medicare and Medicaid. USDA food inspections. OSHA safety protocols. The Clean Water Act.
There are a few minor conditions to the tax-free life.
For example, since cars are used on roads, streets and highways, and since those roads were built and are maintained with tax dollars, you’ll have to pay a usage surcharge—say, $3 per mile, plus applicable tolls.
A sensor in your EFTAGI ID card will keep track of the usage details. You’ll be billed.
A few other services will cost you, as well.
Police and firefighters must be paid. Their paychecks come from tax revenues, so you will be charged according to the size of your family and the neighborhood you live in.
You will also be billed for any trash pick-up at your home or business. If you live in a large apartment complex where taxpaying people live, your cost will be adjusted according to the number of people living in your dwelling. The manager will make an estimate of the amount of trash your family puts out and you’ll pay accordingly.
And you’ll have to pay for water. A meter will be affixed to your faucets and toilets, and you will pay by the pint. (There is an option: If you don’t want to pay for it, you can go to the nearest river and use all the water you want. You may want to purify it first.)
If you live in the northeast, where winter storms can dump at lot of snow, you will an additional surcharge for roadway snow removal.
Oh, and there will be a fee for military protection. A warning: This can be costly since you’ll be paying for America’s habit (developed under the Bush and Cheney Administration) of invading countries without much of a reason then leaving troops there for, say, 15 years.
Those troops need food, guns and money. Those things are funded by suckers who pay taxes. So tax-sovereign Americans will have to chip in for the military too. But you’ll be supporting a noble cause, right?
And how about safe food? Well those fellows and gals who do the inspections so we don’t get food-poisoned by the products corporations sell us are paid by Joe Taxpayer too. You’ll get a bill for that service, as well.
I know what you’re thinking: Living tax-free is expensive.
The good news is that under the Democratic system, you can vote out the political bums who came up with this idea.
Except that tax-less sovereigns are exempt from voting, of course. It’s only fair. Government doesn’t represent them, after all.
But you have other options. For example, you can emigrate—to Somalia, for example, where you can live unburdened by the Affordable Care Act and leaders like President Obama.
A second option: Become a hunter-gatherer and live off the land. But make sure it’s your land. If you hunt and gather on public land, you’ll be billed for that, too. Park rangers and deer don’t come cheap.
It is also possible to live as a sovereign citizen in a big city like New York. In fact, you pass examples of these anti-tax rebels every day. You’ll find them living on the streets in tax-exempt cardboard boxes.
By Carlos Vélez Veljia47@yahoo.com